RX for Valentines

Since Valentine's Day comes this month it seems appropriate to write about some of the obstacles we experience in having fulfilling relationships, whether they be those of marriage or partnership, family, or friends. The obstacles I've chosen to feature here can apply to any of these relationships.

I lose my sense of self in relationships.

In the best of relationships we lose only that of ourselves which needed to be lost for our personal growth. We can become emotionally lazy when we have only ourselves to consider. Learning to be generous, supportive, and tolerant in a committed relationship can only bring out the best in us. It expands, rather than contracts, our sense of who we are.

To lose oneself is a different matter, one which doesn't suggest a relationship of equals.

It can be a very fine thing for people to consciously choose to transcend their egos for the purpose of serving others. Often, though, we don't make this choice so consciously. We may have been trained to believe that our own needs aren't important, and that others must always come first; we may have not had the freedom to make our own decisions. We may have learned to feel self-esteem to the degree that we practice self-sacrifice. In such circumstances it is easy to become attracted to people with stronger wills and to stifle (although sometimes not without resentment) yearnings for independence.

The classic Bach Flower Remedy for this is Centaury, a flower essence which strengthens one's sense of self and one's willingness to discover their purpose in life. Larch (Bach) for self-esteem, is often a useful remedy to take as well.

Citrine, for a sense of personal power and self-esteem, and clear quartz, to strengthen one's connection with one's deepest self, can also be very helpful. Sugilite can be effective in releasing guilt and resentment.

I can't let go of old relationships.

Some people feel very damaged by old relationships, and thus are afraid to begin new ones. Others feel that they will never have a relationship as good as the one which got away. These feelings aren't limited to romantic involvements; people who had best friends they'd trusted deeply and by whom they felt betrayed could be equally reluctant to develop a new intimate friendship, and those who mourn the loss of a friendship ended by death or other circumstances may feel that nothing so good will ever happen to them again.

Not being able to let go means living in the past and giving up on any hope for happiness in the present or future. It means resigning oneself to loneliness.

And it is very understandable. When one has been betrayed self-esteem and self-love may be shattered. It takes great courage to risk one's heart again.

Another challenge is that the past is familiar. Whether you are reviewing old hurts or old joys there are few surprises. Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is that a time warp bears a close resemblance to a dead zone. Hard as it can be to move on and take risks, that is where growth and possibility live.

The Bach Flower Remedy Honeysuckle helps to free us from the hold of the past by allowing us to see it with a more objective viewpoint. With this perspective we can learn its lessons and travel on.

Bleeding Heart (FES) is specifically for those who experience the path with anguish. They may have been emotionally co-dependent; they may not have gotten over the death of a loved one. This flower essence can help to heal these wounds and traumas.

Carnelian is the crystal most associated with being in the present. It is often used in decision-making, and can help one in making the decision to release the past. Because of its flowing energy, it can assist in dissolving the energy connections associated with being stuck in time.

Sometimes sterner measures are required. Then it's time for obsidian, the friend who tells you the truth (whether you want to hear it or not). Snowflake obsidian is a softer version of this stone.

The more I get to know people the more impatient I become with them.

Her stories were funny the first times you heard them; now you wish you could hit the remote and change the channel.

You thought it was cute how his shirt tail always managed to work its way out of his trousers; now you're embarrassed to be seen with him in public.

I don't know if familiarity always breeds contempt, but impatience and intolerance are two of the more common dangers in relationships, especially since minor irritations can cause battles which mask deeper issues.

People who are impatient are often mentally quick and have little tolerance for those who are slower. They also are easily bored.

Intolerance, though it is usually associated with prejudice towards people who are different from oneself, can also describe a judgmental attitude which prevents feeling or expressing love.

To allow that those you love aren't perfect is also to allow you to tolerate and be patient with your own imperfections. It will improve not only your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself.

The lovely Impatiens (Bach) flower provides us with the essence of patience. It doesn't slow down those quick learners, but helps them to cultivate the ability to team up their mental skills with the ability to help others.

Beech (Bach) teaches us that tolerance begins with us, and teaches us to accept ourselves and, hence, to fully accept and tolerate others.

Rhodonite is the stone for patience. I strongly advocate always having one of these crystals handy. Even the most patient among us can experience moments when their good nature is seriously challenged.

The gentle energy of calcite helps us to see things in new ways, and pink calcite assists in opening the heart chakra so that we can love unconditionally.

When I love someone I'm always afraid of losing them.

This condition, though it clearly applies to marital or partnership relationships, can also be connected to one's family, especially children.

In my own exploration of this fear I've discovered that various underlying conditions may influence it.

One is an unacknowledged need for control. For instance, people who feel that their children are only safe with them may secretly fear the idea that their children can go out on their own and be independent.

Self-esteem can also play a part. If people are fearful when their dear ones have lives of their own the true fear may be that other people are more interesting.

Another fear is that nothing good can last. If you're really happy someone/something (possibly a cruel universe) is sure to take it away from you.

Any of the above conditions help to diminish one's enjoyment in the experience of love and relationship. Fortunately, there are a number of essences and crystals which can help to unravel the knot of fear.

Two all-purpose helpers are Mimulus (Bach) and the crystal, charoite.

Mimulus works on known fears of any kind, and is especially helpful for those people who are reluctant to mention their fears to others. Charoite helps us to address both known and unknown fears.

Red Chestnut (Bach) is excellent for one's fears about losing others, especially when these fears are for their safety. I have also found that several of the Wild Earth Animal Essences can be helpful. Many animals, especially mammals are good mothers (and sometimes fathers), who know when to let their offspring go. Among these are Bear, Otter, Deer, and Mountain Lion.

For the fear that nothing good can last, which is at source a lack of trust and a general pessimism, I recommend Gentian (Bach).

Another overall helper in terms of removing love (and the fears associated with it) from the realm of fantasy and into the grounded realm of reality is ruby in zoisite.

An Index of Articles about Essences and Crystals Described Here

Losing One's Self

Clear Quartz

Lost in the Past


Patience and Tolerance


Fear of Loss

Red Chestnut
Ruby in Zoisite

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